What's it say?
What does it say?  What does it mean?  These are pertinent questions an English student is required to ask.  Constantly!  I don't think it's necessarily as subjective as most people think, at least not the first question.  The second, most definitely, depends on the audience reading the work.

I think the answer, for me, is that it means whatever you need it to mean.  Not necessarily what you want it to mean, but what you need it to mean.  I think people consider systems of belief and personal interpretation as a "desire" far too often.  People don't believe in certain religions or principles because they want too, they believe these things because they need to.  Because psychologically they are leaning towards that belief, they need it.  They need to believe there is a god, or they fall apart mentally.  They need to interpret a poem a certain way because it makes them feel better (or worse).

Our needs change, depending on how we grow, and the context of our lives.  I'm not trying to remove personal responsibility from the equation of life and say that people simply do what they must, when they must, and that these compulsions are beyond their control.  I'm simply saying that mood, mindset, experiences, insecurities and fantasies have a lot to do with how we interpret the world around us, and thus, how we interpret art and literature.

It's like how those songs about lost love on the radio are annoying when we're comfortably single, unnerving when we're in a relationship, and incredibly sympathetic and meaningful when we've recently lost a love.

When I read something, I need it to mean something inspiring.  I need to take something away from that piece of work that makes me hopeful and confident.  I need representations of things I'm starved for, like female solidarity, mankind overcoming adversity, people learning empathy, people becoming better people, and much more.  Sometimes I even like stories that hint there IS a force greater than ourselves in the universe, and that it IS a beautiful, sympathetic, comprehending force.

Why are people so ready to embrace nihilism and darkness, labeling it (very unfairly) as "realism"?  Why, when the opposite is just as plausible?  It is just as likely that aliens will come down from the sky in 2012 to destroy us as it is that they will come to share with us images and tales of resplendent cosmic beauty, and to help us find our path towards transcendence.  It's just as likely they'll be hideous to behold as they will be beautiful.

Since both are equally likely, we do have a choice in believing either potential "reality".  Depending on who we are, and where we are, we may feel a need to choose one over the other.

Personally, I need to believe in hope, in any form.  I need to believe we can and will traverse the empty spaces and create bastions of color and beauty.  I need to believe that we will continue to grow in a positive direction.  I need to believe in the innermost loveliness of humankind.  Because it is there, right next to the darkness, just as easily recognized, and just as easily nurtured.

I need to believe that "peace" is a much more complicated word than people give it credit for.  In my mind, it is simply the absence of violence and horror generated by humanity.  There may be plenty of horrible things in the cosmos waiting for us.  We can meet them and change them, or we can become them.

What do you need?

I have to pee!
I do!  But I'm still writing this.

Put off writing an optional rough draft.  It's a poetry explication.  Optional.  Whatever, poetry explications are easy.

I think I need a haircut, I'm starting to feel like Shermie (ten points to whomever gets that reference). 

Um.  Need to get my brows waxed too.  Crystal wants me to meet her mom on friday (what are we, dating?) and says I can't talk about politics because it'll end poorly.  I can respect that.  Free dinner!

I need more pants.  I like these ones, but they're too tight and one of the buttons popped off.  I swear to god I'm a size 10.  Not comfortably, but I can hack it.

I think this girl next to me is crying while she's scanning documents.  Or is she laughing?  Oh, she's on the phone.

Now I'm starting to think about the King of Fighters women.  Honestly, I always liked them better than the women in any other video game series.  One is a hot drag king (named King, no less), and a lot of them wear plenty of clothing and come off as hardcore bitches in powersuits.  Seriously, half of them are such dykes, it's awesome.

Been thinking about Starcraft a lot lately.  I'm very sad they aren't bringing back Glynnis Talken Campbell for Kerrigan.  She was awesome.  Yes, I know it's been ten years, but who cares?  As long as she doesn't smoke...

Stupid Battlestar Galactica bitch.  Tricia Helfer.  What the hell kind of name is Tricia?  Didn't she do the voice of EDI in Mass Effect 2?

That was pretty good.  But can she summon the righteous bitchitude of Kerrigan?  We will see.

These are the things I care about.

 I just spent three hours lifting and stacking bricks outside in the rain with my mom.  I feel like a country girl!  Physical labor feels great, and it's a nice, brisk 65 degrees.  Definitely a nice way to start off the day.

Now I have to watch Hamlet for four hours, and then finish reading Don Quixote.  Blech.

Hot Dream
 Oh yeah.

Last night I dreamed that I was having hot, passionate, sweaty makeout sex with another woman.  It was probably the greatest dream I've ever had.  Seriously!

The best part was, in the dream, in just kept going on and on and on.  Waking up sucked.

Three Hours (Again)
 I forgot to mention why I titled the post "Three Hours".

I saw Watchmen on friday.  It's three hours of my life I'll never get back.

I never read the graphic novel, and unfortunately, now I don't want to.  I have never seen something more high on itself in my life.  It was the most self-indulgent, convulted, artlessly dark piece of film I've ever seen.  The plot twists "surprised" me, I guess, but by the time they came around I was so sick of the movie I didn't care.  Nothing moved me, at all.  I did not give two shits about any of the characters, because there were TOO MANY doing TOO MANY things all the time.  It was also like, 50% flashbacks.  Some of the "deep, philosophical monologues" were just stupid and stale.  

And the whole mess ends with a psychological assertion about humanity's nature that it completely fails to back up thoroughly.  In the end, Watchmen basically states this, "humanity is completely dark, evil, and satanic, and the only way to get it to stop eating itself is to make it afraid of being thwacked with a stick."

It was dour, pompous, and frankly...  I DISAGREE.

Three Hours
 I think everything is going to be okay.

God, this semester is forcing me to be... organized.  I hate that.

I am going to visit my Chairforce boy over spring break.  While the rest of the collegians throughout the country are fleeing to beaches, I'll be spending my off-time at a military base in Alaska.  I find this notion to be pretty hardcore and awesome.  Parka > bikini.

Just when I think the RP in Insilico is losing steam, something weird happens to get me interested again.  I might start my Champions subscription again in March, when that expansion comes out.  We'll see.

Spent last night watching the last bit of the sci-fi Channel Dune movie with Crystal.  It got more and more hilarious with time.  Everyone in that movie was on some serious drugs, though some more than others.  Por ejemple, Bene Gesserit matron wears giant hat that looks like a vagina, spacing guild guys wear hats that look like phalli, while constantly steepling their fingers and making awkward gestures when they speak.  Hilarious!

Then we started watching Underworld, because that movie is so chock full of overacting.  I swear the guy who plays "Craven" has a Swedish accent, a fact I could not help exaggerating every time he spoke by imitating Skwisgaar from Metalocalypse.

Today I have a dilemma.  I can do something, or I can enjoy the day off.  Or maybe both.  I haven't decided yet, but doing nothing is in danger of winning.

 It was a nice president's day break.  Am a little behind on my reading, but that's okay.  Can catch up tomorrow.  No evening class tonight, because of furloughs.  So that's cool.  This is a really chill, interesting semester, and for some reason I'm tense as a crack addict.  First thing I think I'll do is cut sugary stuff, except for the hot cocoa at night.  Soda is really, really bad for me.  It apparently makes me edgy, tense, and generally unhealthy.  I'm not sure how I ever ended up being such a sensitive person, but if I don't control my diet and stress levels, I practically fall apart at the seams.

Stretching also helps.  Need to remember to do that every day.  

 Missed my appointment with my therapist.  Feel really stupid.  Called her to apologize, and started to cry when I realized how much I would have wanted to see her today.  It has been a very bleak time for me, recently.

She insisted on not charging me for the missed appointment, and is even staying later to see me today.  I have known her for three years, and am usually very good about managing my appointments.  So I guess this is a favor... or maybe she was genuinely concerned.  She is a lovely person.

There are certain sorrows in my life I can't speak of or bemoan to anyone but her.  I can't even speak of them here, for fear of someone seeing it.

I've been drinking all day.

Dia de la Computadora!
 Having more and more neck problems.  Think my lifestyle of reading books and sitting at a desk from the age of 12 to 25 is finally catching up with me.  It's sort of a muscle tension problem.  I think I need a new chair, but god damn it, I got this one three years ago for $300.  Pillows kind of help.

RP in Insilico continues to be great.  Deliciously tense, though I'm beginning to see that an OOC meeting between some of the major players in the sim-wide storyling needs to take place before any further clusterfucks result from miscommunication.  That is one drawback to RP on a large scale, even with good players - shit gets confused.  There is a lot of management involved.

I've been doing freelance reviews and editing for a while, but yesterday I wrote my first editorial on a topic that's been bugging me for a while.  Behold!  I am a published author.

Questing and Storylines in MMORPGs - MMO Hut

I need to detail the bathroom and fridge today.  Weather is gorgeous outside.  

Fuck, my neck hurts.

 Originally I thought I'd start my first entry by talking about who I am, but this is a journal.  I don't need to tell myself who I am, because I already know.  The process of keeping a journal will help me further discover who I am.  Up to this point, I have a fairly good grasp on my identity, barring a few minor things.  I think I do, anyways.

Recently I've been bringing my sexuality more into question.  I keep oscillating between thinking myself bisexual, and thinking myself FULL-BLOWN GAY.  Lesbian is such a strong word - it's almost a bad word, when you think about it.  Here in the USA it carries a kind of ominous tone to it... one of those words that causes people's voices to fall flat.  It's not a happy, spritely word like "gay"!  Lesbian is so defining, so unambiguous and clear-cut.  When you say gay, there's a kind of mental wiggle-room people have - how gay?  Really gay?  Super gay?  Kinda gay?  Lesbian is just lesbian.  I like women, the end.  There is no "quasi-lesbian".  There is only lesbian-lesbian.

People always think of pants and short hair when you say the word.  Homely, at best.  Mannish, at worst.  Take it a step further, get pejorative and say DYKE.  Then you conjure up the imagery of what may as well be a lumberjack, complete with plaid and hatchet.  Or maybe a biker.  Something gruff and essentially a dude without a wang. 

But what am I?  I am so picky about men, I am not sure if I can fairly call myself a bisexual.  The older I get, the more confident I get in myself, the less desire I have to be with a male.  I fantasize and have fantasized about that powerful, 6'5" pillar of classic masculinity taking me as his own.  Being the queen to a worthy king is a lovely thought.  It could happen.  I don't want to rule anything out, this early in life.  The problem lies in the male gender.  This generation seems to carry with it a majority of males I can only describe as pussies.  To clarify, there is a difference between a man that is simply sweet-tempered (which I adore), and a man who is a pussy.  A pussy has no real powerful principles or convictions.  A pussy doesn't see the need for ambition.  A pussy doesn't have a strong opinion.  A pussy is almost always a ravenous fanboy of something.  A pussy can hide behind a pathetic veil of pomped-up confidence and ego that's really masking total insecurity.  A pussy is touchy-feely in all the wrong ways.  A pussy needs you.  A pussy, deep-down, just wants to crawl back into mommy's womb.

There are women like this too.  Except I don't care so much when women are like this - I enjoy putting myself in that faux mama-bear role for insecure girls.  I feel a responsibility towards them.  I want to nurture them.  I could care less for the males.  Sexist?  Completely.  But that's how I work.  Psychosexually, I will be the first to admit I am quite bizarre - perhaps even a little depraved.

I don't know what I need intimately.  I haven't had a relationship for almost four years.  I haven't had sex in longer, beyond fondling that bi-polar girl in junior college.  Found out years later she's a furry - she seems to think she is some kind of lady squirrel.  Another point for my assertion that all furries have a history of abuse, depression, and mental instability.  I will get around to doing an actual study on this, eventually, beyond my simple interactions with them over the course of my RP career.

Anyways, last night I got really offended that there was no deep lesbian romance option in Mass Effect 2.  I've come to expect a certain degree of openness from Bioware in terms of homosexual romantic options in their RPGs, ever since the craziness available in Jade Empire, but Mass Effect 2 was a huge letdown.  As I said to my friend who actually holds a respectable position at their Edmonton office (the one responsible for ME and DA and most of their single-player stuff), I felt it was a "stunning blow".  He agreed, it was indeed a bummer.  For about an hour I raged, like I often do, and was somewhat placated when I found out you could lez out with your yeoman/assistant on the ship.  So that's a nice little token.  But I have sort of a crush on Tali (that fixation on fragile women, again), and was sad when I couldn't turn her to the gay side.  I can forgive this, given that both Shepherd roles in the ME series are fully and beautifully voice-acted, so adding in even more substiantial romance plots would be a tremendous investment, but I still was sad.

Seven hours into the game.  Haven't decided between the males yet (Garrus, Jacob, Thane).  Think Thane is kind of lame, kind of reeks of weeaboo ninja to me (also looks like a frog).  Jacob has a sexy, smooth baritone, and has dark skin (as a pasty northwoman, I have a fixation with dark complexions).  Garrus... has a predator mouth, but is a much stronger character this time around, and the concept of exploring a romance between two races that hate eachother intrigues me from a "how does this affect the plot?" standpoint.

Regardless of which one I choose, you can be sure that I will do my best to feel up my cute, girlish assistant on the side.

This is, perhaps, portentous of the "serious relationship" my therapist says I will have in "about ten years".  Whomever I end up with, they'd better be okay with me ensaring college girls on the side.

Visualization is a powerful tool.


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