Originally I thought I'd start my first entry by talking about who I am, but this is a journal. I don't need to tell myself who I am, because I already know. The process of keeping a journal will help me further discover who I am. Up to this point, I have a fairly good grasp on my identity, barring a few minor things. I think I do, anyways.
Recently I've been bringing my sexuality more into question. I keep oscillating between thinking myself bisexual, and thinking myself FULL-BLOWN GAY. Lesbian is such a strong word - it's almost a bad word, when you think about it. Here in the USA it carries a kind of ominous tone to it... one of those words that causes people's voices to fall flat. It's not a happy, spritely word like "gay"! Lesbian is so defining, so unambiguous and clear-cut. When you say gay, there's a kind of mental wiggle-room people have - how gay? Really gay? Super gay? Kinda gay? Lesbian is just lesbian. I like women, the end. There is no "quasi-lesbian". There is only lesbian-lesbian.
People always think of pants and short hair when you say the word. Homely, at best. Mannish, at worst. Take it a step further, get pejorative and say DYKE. Then you conjure up the imagery of what may as well be a lumberjack, complete with plaid and hatchet. Or maybe a biker. Something gruff and essentially a dude without a wang.
But what am I? I am so picky about men, I am not sure if I can fairly call myself a bisexual. The older I get, the more confident I get in myself, the less desire I have to be with a male. I fantasize and have fantasized about that powerful, 6'5" pillar of classic masculinity taking me as his own. Being the queen to a worthy king is a lovely thought. It could happen. I don't want to rule anything out, this early in life. The problem lies in the male gender. This generation seems to carry with it a majority of males I can only describe as pussies. To clarify, there is a difference between a man that is simply sweet-tempered (which I adore), and a man who is a pussy. A pussy has no real powerful principles or convictions. A pussy doesn't see the need for ambition. A pussy doesn't have a strong opinion. A pussy is almost always a ravenous fanboy of something. A pussy can hide behind a pathetic veil of pomped-up confidence and ego that's really masking total insecurity. A pussy is touchy-feely in all the wrong ways. A pussy needs you. A pussy, deep-down, just wants to crawl back into mommy's womb.
There are women like this too. Except I don't care so much when women are like this - I enjoy putting myself in that faux mama-bear role for insecure girls. I feel a responsibility towards them. I want to nurture them. I could care less for the males. Sexist? Completely. But that's how I work. Psychosexually, I will be the first to admit I am quite bizarre - perhaps even a little depraved.
I don't know what I need intimately. I haven't had a relationship for almost four years. I haven't had sex in longer, beyond fondling that bi-polar girl in junior college. Found out years later she's a furry - she seems to think she is some kind of lady squirrel. Another point for my assertion that all furries have a history of abuse, depression, and mental instability. I will get around to doing an actual study on this, eventually, beyond my simple interactions with them over the course of my RP career.
Anyways, last night I got really offended that there was no deep lesbian romance option in Mass Effect 2. I've come to expect a certain degree of openness from Bioware in terms of homosexual romantic options in their RPGs, ever since the craziness available in Jade Empire, but Mass Effect 2 was a huge letdown. As I said to my friend who actually holds a respectable position at their Edmonton office (the one responsible for ME and DA and most of their single-player stuff), I felt it was a "stunning blow". He agreed, it was indeed a bummer. For about an hour I raged, like I often do, and was somewhat placated when I found out you could lez out with your yeoman/assistant on the ship. So that's a nice little token. But I have sort of a crush on Tali (that fixation on fragile women, again), and was sad when I couldn't turn her to the gay side. I can forgive this, given that both Shepherd roles in the ME series are fully and beautifully voice-acted, so adding in even more substiantial romance plots would be a tremendous investment, but I still was sad.
Seven hours into the game. Haven't decided between the males yet (Garrus, Jacob, Thane). Think Thane is kind of lame, kind of reeks of weeaboo ninja to me (also looks like a frog). Jacob has a sexy, smooth baritone, and has dark skin (as a pasty northwoman, I have a fixation with dark complexions). Garrus... has a predator mouth, but is a much stronger character this time around, and the concept of exploring a romance between two races that hate eachother intrigues me from a "how does this affect the plot?" standpoint.
Regardless of which one I choose, you can be sure that I will do my best to feel up my cute, girlish assistant on the side.
This is, perhaps, portentous of the "serious relationship" my therapist says I will have in "about ten years". Whomever I end up with, they'd better be okay with me ensaring college girls on the side.
Visualization is a powerful tool.